This is the tale of an elephant so caringWho is beguiled by a bird who is cunning and daring.
Now this strange bird had something on her mind,
So she took advantage of the elephant so kind.
Bird: "You've nothing to do, and I do need a rest.
Would you like to sit on the egg in my nest?
I'll hurry back, I'll never be missed."
Elephant: "Very well. Since you insist."
Out of kindness he helped the poor bird,
But found that she was not true to her word.
She had things left unsaid, and truths she kept hidden
So she could get that kind elephant to do her bidding.
Long ago I heard the proverbial statement, "men and women are different." In subsequent years I have come to not only agree with this statement, bu to attempt to define thee differences so that I may be more successful in relationships. Recently, I have discovered one particular difference that drives me . . . how to put it controversially . . . crazy!
If someone asks me a question, and I decide it is worth the time to answer, I will give truthful feedback. I am sure to say what I mean so that my honest viewpoint is understood. This way, the questioner has accurate information about me and my position. I find this to be an excellent way to convey my feelings, thoughts, ideas, needs and wants. Consequently, my feelings, thoughts, ideas, needs, and wants are dealt with in a satisfactory way and I can move onto other mental pursuits. It seems so logical to me to state the truth inside me so that it can come to fruition.
But over on the other side of the tracks stands a different zax. This lady zax does NOT believe she should say exactly what she means. Let's look at this from a gentleman's perspective. Everyone pretend for a moment that you are a considerate, loving man. You are out with your special someone and you notice she is a bit out of sorts and decide to ask, "Is everything OK, dear?" She is liable to answer, "Of course, why would you ask such a silly question," but what you fail to notice is the melancholy down-gaze of her eyes as she hesitantly answers you. Feeling as though you have shown a proper outpouring of love and consideration, you accept her answer and move on your way. All the while, she climbs deeper and deeper into her inner emotional self. Later that week, after many other similar type converstions, she will almost kindly explain to you that she was feeling "emotional" and you did nothing to help her.Now, this is the part you simply cannot understand. "Nothing! I did nothing!" you proclaim. N
ow you know this is simply not true. With full sincerity, you asked her to communicate her thoughts to you and explain what she was feeling. She chose to lie. Now, how is this your fault? She gave up the opportunity to have a thoughtful guy listen to her and comfort her. She had every ability to choose to tell the truth, but it simply was not that important to her. Why is she allowed to make you out to be the Grinch when your heart had clearly grown over three sizes that day? Was she not the one declining a delicious breakfast of eggs and ham when all the while she was wishing for someone to offer a snack? I do not see the logic.So, dear readers, help me unravel this tale so I may be the in-the-know sneetch with a bright, shiny star on my belly. Help me see things from alternate perspectives so that I may approach life with more patience and understanding. Please respond with enlightening rebuttals to help me unravel the complex infrastructure known as the female mind.
11 comments:
The first thing I noticed when reading this was when you wrote, “Recently, I have discovered one particular difference that drives me . . . how to put it controversially . . . crazy!” Really, you just noticed this recently. Women have been doing this same thing forever and you just noticed. And who is it that has been driving you crazy. And maybe if it is a particular girl or group of girls, you should talk to them.
Secondly, I know a lot of women who say how they feel and the men then become distant or they didn’t really want to know in the first place. They just want to look like the caring gentleman but in reality they prefer the response of, “everything is fine.” Men, also don’t always communicate how they feel. Not when it comes to real emotion!
And as for men answering questions honestly, I believe woman would too if they were asked. And sometime all the woman is waiting for is the guy to talk first. Maybe she is waiting to be asked.
With all this being said, I think you are pretty good at being understanding. I think it’s hard for people to communicate because it puts them in a very vulnerable place, and no one likes to feel vulnerable. Emotions are hard for both sexes to communicate; I assume women are just a little more dramatic with it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I’m sure you will hear more about it from me!
The "recently" thing was just for the writing. I noticed it looong ago! Mostly it's most girls who are this way. It's too hard to talk to all of them about it. Plus, they just brush it off like it's all the man's fault instead of taking some responsibility.
Second, If the man asked how they are feeling, and the woman actually answered the question truthfully, then the man can't be upset about that! He asked! Maybe he gets distant because he's not sure how to help from there. Again, the woman can offer advice on how he can help her according to her needs.
Thirdly, I do think most men do communicate their real emotion most of the time. The problem is men don't have that many emotions! Girls think they are hiding something, but they are really saying all their is! I've had that happen quite a few times. She expects more out of me, but I've spilled it all!
Lastly, men aren't going to be the ones to talk first. It just isn't going to happen. Girls need to accept that and find a new tactic. If the guy asked you if you are OK, that is the best they are able to do, so run with it! That IS them talking first.
Beemer! Oh what a fun blog to read....sure surpasses ours! Just wanted to drop a line and say hello and welcome to the blogging world, although the welcome is a little late I'm afraid.
-Sarise
Thanks for commenting guys! That makes me happy.
Hi Ben,
My wife briefly discussed along these lines recently on her blog.
I like your writing.
-An old room mate.
Umm.. We should be blog friends :)
As a married woman, I agree with your assessment of the situation you mentioned in this post.
That used to happen to me - when we were first married we used to play this game. It is not a very enjoyable game to play. Then I learned something: if I tell him what I want, I usually get it, whether it is, "I feel troubled and want to talk," or "I want a new mp3 player" This works a lot better.
I also think waiting for the man to ask what is wrong is just playing mind games. If something is really wrong and if you want to talk about it, then talk about it, for goodness sake! The mind games just foster resentment. I know that if my husband was unhappy with me, I'd rather he bring it up promptly instead of waiting for me to drag it out of him.
Treat others how you would like to be treated - especially in communication issues.
Wow, Ben. I didn't know when I decided to check out your blog at 2 A.M. because I forgot how much energy working out gives you and can't sleep, that I would find a short story. And a dictionary on the side bar! I guess I am too used to facebook, because that is a lot of reading for me. But here is what I think about it- It all started when Eve gave Adam the apple from the tree of knowledge and he still couldn't figure her out! But seriously, maybe we want to be surprised! Maybe we want a man to pay attention and figure out what would be special to us and then present it to us and then we will know that the man truly loves us.
Hello there - I found your blog from my sister's (whirlygirl) blogs-she-follows page. I hope it's okay if I put in my two cents :) from the perspective of a young woman who happens to do this.
Whoever commented that it is a game is correct. However, I don't think it's fair to play this game unless the other person (the guy) knows the rules. Otherwise it's useless and kind of mean lol. My guy happens to know all the rules, though they weren't exactly spelled out for him (that takes away the fun of it)... just gently suggested and dropped here and there.
Anyway, basically it's a sort of dramatic request for some attention. It's because I want to feel like he notices that I'm upset, that he cares and that he is willing to put a little effort into getting it out of me.
All it takes is like two or three times of asking in one sitting, and it has to be really involved haha, like you won't give up until she tells you. Now, the time to give up is if she looks you in the eye and says "I really don't wanna talk about it" and that's the end of the discussion. If she wants you to keep asking though she'll probably squirm away a little and say "nah it's nothing" and that's when you playfully keep at it until she tells you. If she's *your* girl, be sure to go over and hold her, maybe run your fingers through her hair. If she's not yours yet, just move closer and keep asking.
I'm not sure if this is how all girls like to play this little attention game, but it seems like it would be pretty common. I hope this helps at all. Hey, a good book for sorting out all the little quirks women have in communication is "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" -it's a pretty good one. I thought it was gonna be a ragging-on-men book so I avoided it for a time, but it's actually pretty tasteful, and it'll really open your eyes as to how men and women speak and behave differently. Good luck!
P.S. The one I deleted was exactly the same as this one - just needed some editing.
Thanks for the comment, Passion Rose. I especially like the part where you talk about the whole thing being a game for attention. I do in fact know that that is what it is for, I just don't always have the patience to play! Somehow, I need to increase my desire to go along with the game. I just haven't figured it out yet...
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