A few years back I learned a principle that has dramatically changed my outlook on life. It came at a time when I was seeking a better understanding of myself and they way I interacted with those around me. During this particular phase of life, I was mostly happy but was plagued by consistent thoughts of inadequacy and self doubt. Mostly, I felt like those who were nice to me only were because they felt that is what I wanted from them. In reality, what I really wanted was for those people, of their own will, to want to be my friend. Ergo, I was never satisfied with my friendships.Then, on a particularly bright, sunshiny day, knowledge descended from heaven like dew on a cool morning and distilled upon the annals of my mind opening my eyes to a new way of looking at things. (I almost made myself throw up a little just then. Sorry about that. I had to get that small bit of creativity out before it made me sick.) People were acting they exact way I wanted them to, but I was perceiving that it was because they felt obligated. The fact of the matter is, they were acting in the way I was wishing for, so I should have been satisfied. So I connected the dots, and found a whole new way of interpreting relationships:
If a person acts in a certain way, and I'm not sure if it is genuine or forced, and they lead me to believe it is genuine, then I should believe it is genuine! Even if they are lying and it is fake, what does it matter? They are acting in a way that will make me happy if I simply choose to accept it.
To make this concept clearer, allow me to illustrate with a concrete-ish example. Lets say Person A really wants Person B to enjoy spending time with him. Person A asks, "Do you enjoy our time together?" Person B responds, in full honesty, "Of course I do. I wouldn't come over if I didn't." Now Person A can either choose to believe the answer is genuine, or believe it is a lie. One of those choices will result in pleasant inner feelings, while the other leads to emotional distress. Now lets say that Person B responds with the same answer, but really despises spending time with Person A. That leaves Person A with the same two choices: believe the answer was genuine, or believe the answer was a lie. Either way yields the same two results of happiness or distress. Therefore, why not believe the answer was genuine in either case since that results in happiness. Person B is the one left with the problem of sorting out his own lack of honesty and the consequences derived therefrom.
This same principle can be applied repeatedly in relationships. How many times have you asked yourself, "Did he act that way because he hates me?" or "Has he not called because he doesn't want to talk to me?" In these examples, you can believe he hates you and doesn't want to talk to you, or you can believe he is focused at work and will call you when he can break away. One choice results in negative feelings, while the other results in positive. So I say, believe the better. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Assume he's a good person instead of a jerk. Nine times out of ten, you will be right. Ten times out of ten, you will be happier.
2 comments:
True 10 times out of 10 you will be happier. But most of the time, you will find out that it wasn't real and it could leave you feeling less than adequate. I think person B should have been honest in the first place. But I do like the concept. I would just hate being the person that later found out it was never real. Was that confusing? Anyways, another great blog. I love reading them.
Agreed that person B should be honest from the get go. Hence, previous blog post "I meant what I said and I said what I meant." Honesty is always the best policy! Second, how would person A ever find out that person B wasn't lying if they are stubbornly believing the better?? Even still, person A should not feel inadequate because he/she was the honest one, and should feel sad for person B!
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